


Russian Bots

by markwatneyandensemble



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-05-19 08:23:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14870232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markwatneyandensemble/pseuds/markwatneyandensemble
Summary: He's a weirdo with aliens in his dating profile. She's a weirdo who copy and pasted her resume in hers. He's paranoid she's a Russian bot. She can't believe he put selfies at Roswell in his profile. He is infatuated with this allegedly dull pathologist. She's still hung up on the ALIENS in his DATING PROFILE. Can they make it work? She legitimately wonders that too.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> circa 2016/Tinder AU. This is just a fic I was writing to un-writers-block myself, and I thought it was funny enough to post. There are more chapters coming, but they depend solely on how much writers block I experience and how unattached I am to the outcome of this fic. Also, disclaimer, I don't fully know Tinder, so please take any accuracy discrepancies with a grain of salt.

“I’m telling you man. It’s the Roswell pictures,” Langley said, taking a big bite of pizza.

“Oh come on, that was a great trip. So people can have pictures of them at the beach or in Paris, but I can’t have a silly picture of me at the site of the biggest cover-up in American history?”

“Actually, man, that would be JFK-“  
  
“Whatever, Frohike has a picture like that up! He doesn’t have a problem with it.”  
  
“That’s because the ladies are so taken with me, they don’t pay attention to what’s in the background.” Frohike waggled his eyebrows behind his huge glasses.

“I will admit you draw attention, man. I will not admit to that being a positive fact.” Langley got a shove for that.

“So I take down the Roswell pictures and people will like me back?”  
  
Byers, who had been silent throughout this discussion finally spoke. “Mulder, I really don’t think you should change for people. Keep them up and someone will eventually talk to you.”

Almost on cue, Mulder’s phone vibrated in Frohike’s hand.   
  
“Hey, man. You got a message!”  
  
“Give me that,” Mulder said, lunging for his phone. Frohike was too quick.

“Hey hey hey, it’s from that girl you super-liked the other day. That redhead.”

“What? Gimme my phone,” Mulder reached again, so fast this time it knocked a bottle off the table. Frohike was momentarily distracted, and Mulder took the opportunity to confiscate it.

“Hey, come on, man. I just wanted to get her interested before you say something stupid and get her to block you.”

Mulder had sunk back in his beanbag and glared over the top of his phone at Frohike. “I’ve seen the lines you use on girls, _Melvin_. Something tells me Dana is more classy than that.”

“Can you at least tell us what she said?” Byers asked.

“She said… ‘hey big guy.’”

Mulder glanced at the guys. He expected them to just roar when he read it, but they almost looked apologetic.

“What does it mean?”  
  
“Well, it could be good,” Frohike offered.

“Could?”  
  
“Or it could be a bot.”

“What?”

“A bot. There’s been a bunch all over social media sites recently. Russian bots. I kind of suspected when I saw her profile, since it’s just images of her at work, but thats the kind of thing bots have reportedly put up. Byers had a whole writeup- Byers dig it out-“  
  
“Come on. She’s not a bot. Or a spy. Or a probe. She’s a medical doctor- it says so in her profile. And those pictures, I mean she got a pathology award, of course she’d post it, she’s proud of getting it. She should be. Besides, one of those pictures almost looks like a Bureau ID, so she probably works there, and guys I know pathologists. They’re not overtly sexual. And-“  
  
“Dude, its just a theory, okay, but look at her profile, it is dull and almost automated. Can you just entertain the idea that this is a bot. You haven’t gotten a lot of messages anyway, and suddenly you get this one? It’s either that or an alien fetishist, and I don’t know which is worse,” Langley tried to explain.

“Look, what if I just ask her?”

“Mulder-“  
  
“Typing it as we speak.”

 _Hey Dana. Thank’s for liking and everything. Quick question, and kind of weird, but are you a Russian probe_?

“Dude, if she’s not a spy, she’s gonna be so freaked out by you,” Frohike finally spoke again.

“Well, I sent it. If she’s a Russian, I’ll take down the Roswell pictures.”

 

 

**-Across town-**

Music was blaring so loud and intensely Dana could feel it in her chest. Melissa said she’d be here at 9, but in the dim lights she could barely differentiate between anyone’s faces. Her glasses were laying on her bedside table at home, gathering dust given all the things her older sister swore to make her do if she brought them.

 _Glasses aren’t sexy, Dana._  She’d said when she invited her.

 _They could be for some people._ This had caused Melissa Scully to groan dramatically over the phone and hang up.

When Dana had called her sister back, Melissa answered with a string of items she wasn’t allowed to wear. Glasses. Her medical school hoodie. Or any hoodie. Blazers, button up shirts. Anything below the knee.

That night, however, Dana had broken her promise, and worn her pantsuit from work. A class ran long, and she hadn’t had time to change. She was about to give up on her sister and go home when she heard a familiar voice yell “DANA OVER HERE.”   
  
“You found me,” she said, when she reached Melissa, perched on a stool at a high top table.

“It wasn’t hard. You look like an FBI agent, and not in the good way.”  
  
“I _am_  an FBI agent.”  
  
“Yeah, but you shouldn’t look like it. It’ll scare people off.”

“Maybe I don’t wanna start anything with _people_  tonight.”

“Yeah? When was the last time you went out with anyone?”  
  
“I… Last week.” That was a lie. “Yeah, there was another professor in the pathology department and-“  
  
“Bull. Shit,” Melissa said in a drawn out long drawn out way.

“Okay, fine. I’ve been busy.”  
  
“Did you sign up for that dating app I told you about?”

“If by dating you mean ‘hookup’, and by sign up you mean ‘log in to the account you made for me without permission and change everything about it including the password’, then yes. That is exactly what I did.”

“Well, I knew you changed the profile up, but I didn’t know about the password. I thought they just deactivated your account because they thought you were a bot.”

Dana shriveled her nose at her the way she did when they were kids and Missy got on her nerves.

“Can I at least see your new and ‘improved’ profile?” Melissa used air quotes, despite it being out of style. She was gay, she argued when their nephew pointed it out. She could get away with it.

Dana rolled her eyes, and opened her phone. She didn’t want Melissa to mess with anything, but her sister was relentless when it came to her love life.

“Three people, Dana?”

“What?”

“I can see your messages from over here. You’ve only been talking to three people?”  
  
“I’m easing myself into the world. It’s a confusing app and I don’t want to mess something up,” she offered, as she relinquished the device to her eager sister.

In truth, she just didn’t enjoy the atmosphere of it. It felt impersonal, and everyone seemed dull. If Melissa had her way, Dana’s profile would be pictures of her in college and on the trip to Florida they took last winter. She knew those who would fall for that kind of thing wouldn’t be interested in her once they met, and so Dana posted an abbreviated resume and pictures that could be found with a simple google search of her name.

“Well, ease yourself a little faster,” Missy said, scrolling through the app. “There are like four messages for each of these people. Although, I am pleased by the gender representation. You deserve a nice lady. But not too perfect. I love you, Day, but I think I should get the first crack at any woman looking for a cute redhead.”

Scully rolled her eyes. “Well, they’ll be so disappointed when they find out about that monthly hair appointment you pretend is just a trim.”

Melissa laughed sarcastically. “Oh. So that’s how you want to play? Okay.” She began typing quickly on the screen.

“Wait, Melissa what are you doing?” Dana leaned across the table to catch a glimpse, but Melissa leaned back too fast.

“MISSY.” Dana practically shouted, which drew stares from people around them.

“I’m not doing anything to your profile, you can relax,” Melissa said, calmly, although the small smile she cracked as she spoke betrayed her actions.

“Melissa, come on. Please don’t embarrass me. I have regular background checks at work, I don’t want them to find whatever your doing.”

Melissa looked up at her sister for the first time since she confiscated the phone. “Relax, its not going to embarrass you.”  
  
“Then what the hell are you doing?”  
  
“Nothing, go get a drink, dance with someone. I’ll just be over here… with Fox.” 

“What.. WHAT?”  
  
“Come on, he superliked you. So either he’s a bot too, or I think I just found your soulmate.”  
  
“I’m not a bot,” Dana gritted her teeth.

Melissa let out a cackle. “That’s not what he thinks.” She held out the phone to show Dana.

Dana read it under her breath, mumbling as she squinted. God she wished she had her glasses. “‘… kind of weird, but are you a Russian probe?’ Wait, what did you say- OH MY GOD, MELISSA.”

Her face began glowing red, nearly as bright as some of the lights flashing around the room.

“Come on. He looks sweet,” Melissa grinned, and took the phone back.

“No, Melissa. Don’t do more damage,” Dana pleaded.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not,” Melissa said, with a telling grin. Dana rolled her eyes again.

“Okay, I’m headed to the bathroom. Please be kind to me.”  
  
“Oh, honey. I’m having way too much fun,” Melissa grinned.

When Dana returned, her phone was face down on the high-top, and Melissa was sitting calmly in her chair- a rare thing for her sister.

“Do I need to start the process of faking my own death?” she asked.

Melissa shrugged, and Dana picked up the phone to look at what she’d done.

  
_Quick question, and kind of weird, but are you a Russian probe?_

_I was about to ask your dick the same question._

No response. It had been twelve minutes.

“Melissa!”

“What, its a perfectly fine question for the environment.”

“Missy, come on, why?” Dana clicked on the guy’s profile.

‘My first name’s Fox, so you can tell why I’d prefer to be called “Mulder.” 32. Arlington, VA. Favorite movie: Plan 9 From Outerspace. Okay fine, Caddyshack. Favorite animal: cat.’ _Well he probably means dog. Wait, why am I actually considering this. All his pictures are with what looks like aliens or bigfoot stuff. Does he have any respect for science? And why does his name sound so familiar? Huh. He’s actually kind of cute._  Dana squinted closer at the picture. _Maybe it’s just my eyesight. Damn I wish I had my glasses._

Dana looked up to see Melissa had left. She scanned the room quickly and saw her flirting with a tall brunette at the bar. Twenty minutes later and she’d be running up to Dana begging to cut their night a little short. _We’ll go see a movie tomorrow or something. My treat. Tomorrow afternoon, though. I think I’ll be busy in the morning._

She should probably start to think about leaving. She didn’t even feel like going out in the first place. She should text Fo- _Dammit. Mulder, back and let him know that she’s not crazy, it was all her sister’s fault. If he wants to grab coffee sometime and she can explain the whole story, she’d be open to that. Wait what? She wasn’t going to get involved with this weirdo. Damn, he’s cute though. Kind of like a puppy. Weird he likes cats then._  She chuckled to herself. _Wait, why was she actually messaging him? Why doesn’t she feel bad about it?_

 

**-Across town-**

“Did the horny doctor reply?” Frohike asked, monotonously. Six months he’d been on the app and every date he’d been on was almost procedural. Three weeks for Mulder and a porno was already unfolding for the guy.

“No- actually yeah. Oh.” All three watched their friend’s face fall.

“What happened?”  
  
“Nothing. It was her sister messaging. Just a joke she was playing on her.”

“Oh,” they all said in unison.

“It’s fine,” Mulder said, with his throat dry. “Better than the Russians spying on me, right?”

The three nodded in agreement. They stayed silent for almost an eternity before Mulder’s phone buzzed again.

It could have been the luminescent glow of his phone, but his face lit up like a switch had been flicked.

“What is it?” Byers asked.

“She says… uh. She says if I’m as skeptical as she is, we could meet up sometime for coffee and she’d explain the whole thing in detail.”

Byers and Langley shared a grin. “That’s great, Mulder,” Byers encouraged.

They all looked at Frohike sulking in the corner. _Typical Mulder_.

 

**-Across town-**

“Anyway, we can go to lunch or something tomorrow,” Melissa was explaining, as ‘Monica’ was giggling behind her. Dana could have sworn she’d seen the woman before but she couldn’t place her.

Dana’s phone buzzed before she could agree to the lunch date.

“Dana, can you just call me in the morning and let me know your plans?” Melissa begged.

“Yeah,” she said, absently, as she read over Fox- _MULDER_ -’s message. She’d have to get that under control before tomorrow. She agreed to the time, and closed the app in order to text Melissa.

_Sorry, lunch tomorrow doesn’t work. We can find another time soon. On the bright side, though, I might be warming up to that stupid app._

She hit send, and turned her phone off. Melissa likely wouldn’t respond until the next morning.

 

When she got home, she made a beeline for her glasses, and opened up that app again. _Damn it. He really is cute._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending is kind of awkward but there wasnt an obvious alternative

Dana had been sitting in the coffee shop for thirty seven minutes. Thirty eight now. Only six of those were for legitimate waiting. The rest were her, sitting alone at a corner table, scanning the shop nervously as she downed shot after shot of espresso. She was almost ready to get up and get another cup when he walked through the door. _Him_. He was a lot taller than she’d thought from his pictures. And far cuter than any camera could capture. _God, what was this? She’s just having an apology coffee. Platonically. She was not about to hook up with someone she met on Missy’s stupid dating site._

He stood in the doorway, shaking rainwater off his jacket, as he scanned the room, and finally laid eyes on her. His face just lit up when he saw her, and she returned a small smile, and stood to meet him in line.

“Hey, you’re Dana?” he asked, nervously.

“Yeah, thats what they told me in the spy briefing,” she replied, giving up on holding back a smile.

Fox - _Mulder_ \- was silent for a minute, and then laughed. “Oh, right. That. Sorry, my friends are… paranoid.”

“No…” she shook her head, and stepped forward as the line moved. “My sister was saying the same thing about my profile.” She gave him a reassuring smile. He was practically shaking, and she was pretty sure it was only partially because of the cold rain.

 _He must be more nervous than I am_. The thought brought her a strange amount of joy.

“So it’s raining pretty hard out there?” she asked, kicking herself for not sounding more interesting, and simultaneously wondering why she cared. This was just the start of a nice friendship.

“Yeah, it started a few minutes ago. I’m surprised you didn’t get caught in it,” he said.

“Well, I, uh… I’ve been here a while.”

He looked alarmed, and didn’t notice the line moved until the woman behind him cleared her throat. “Am I late? Did I write the time down wrong-“  
  
“No. No,” she assured him. “I just... overestimated the travel time.”

His shoulders relaxed. “Okay, good.” 

They reached the counter and ordered. For Dana, a decaf latte. Four shots of espresso was probably enough for one day. For Mulder, a double cappuccino with extra foam.

“Oh, I got it,” Mulder said, reaching for his wallet.

“No, no. I invited you. It was MY sister who messed with you. I got it.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she cut in again. “Besides, I stole this from Melissa’s purse last night anyway.” She flashed him a goofy smile.

He sighed as he put his wallet back in his pocket. He could tell it wouldn’t do well to argue with her.

“Thank you.” That got a grin out of her.

They returned to the table in the corner she had been sitting at, and waited for their coffee.

“So, _Mulder_ ,” she started, proud she said his preferred name without hesitation. “What do you do?”

He groaned.

“What?”

“Ummm…” he looked around the coffee shop, nervously. “Could you ask me that again once I’ve sort of given you a good first impression?”

She quirked a smile. “Come on, what is it?”

He hesitated. “I work with the FBI. I’m a profiler.”

Her expression didn’t change.

“What?” he asked.  
  
“What’s your job?”

“I told you!”  
  
“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have hesitated like that if it was as simple as a profiler. So, what?”  
  
“Mm, you work for the Bureau too? Because if not they really should recruit you.”  
  
“I’m a pathologist. Now answer the question.”  
  
“MULDER.” Their conversation was interrupted by the barista calling his name. Mulder gave her a victorious smile as he rose to get their drinks.

As he walked away, Dana gave the table a smile she’d been holding back. They’d gotten in a married couple argument two minutes into the date- _meeting_ \- and she hated how excited she was. But she couldn’t deny that arguing had never been more fun.

“Here you go,” he said, setting her drink down in front of her. “So, what were we talking about, Dr. Scully? Pretty sure it was the Yankees.”

Dana rolled her eyes. “If you tell me your job, I’ll tell you something about me.”

“Really?”  
  
“Mmmhmmm.” She nodded assuredly, like she was the know-it-all in class that just beat him in AP Physics Jeopardy. “Of equal or greater value.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Well, okay. But it better be good.”

“Oh it will.” The corners of her mouth upturned in a way that told him she nearly made a dirty joke. Maybe she was perfect for Frohike after all.

“I work in the division called ‘the X-Files.’ I investigate paranormal and otherwise unexplained events.”

She was waiting for a ‘just-kidding’ when it hit her why his name was familiar.

“No,” Dana said over a gasp.

His cheeks turned a little pink. “Yeah.”  
  
“Spooky Mulder?”

“Okay, drop it. I told you my job, you tell me something.”  
  
“I’m sorry. You’re Spooky Mulder?”

“I’m waiting.” The tips of his ears were turning the same shade as his cheekbones.

“I kept hearing students talk about you. I never pictured… this.” She gestured at him.

“Thank you?”

“So those alien pictures weren’t a joke?”  
  
“Come on,” he begged.

“Okay. Equal or greater embarrassment,” she took a second to think.

“Hey, I never said embarrassment. I don’t find my career embarrassing.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me immediately?”  
  
“Because you’re a scientist and I figured you’d have… well,  _that_  reaction.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but then shut it, defeatedly.

“I will admit its embarrassing, though,” Mulder said.

“You will?” she said in disbelief.

“Yeah, but only if it gets me an embarrassing story from you.”

She laughed. “Okay, deal.” _Okay, so she really liked arguing with him._ “Uh… Once, in high school, I broke curfew on prom night, and my parents called the police AND the fire department to find me. I had to ride back on the back of… what are those- pumper trucks?- with my friend, her date, and my own date, who was a little miffed the night wasn’t going as he’d hoped.”

He chuckled lightly. “Ah. Funny. Not good enough, though.”

“What?”

“That’s a funny anecdote from high school. Not embarrassing enough.”  
  
“I had to ride through a navy base on a bright red fire truck, in clothes that were definitely not the expensive dress I begged my parents to buy me.”

“You didn’t say that part.”

“Well, is that good enough?”

“I suppose.”

“Great.” In the lull of their conversation, Dana took in the rest of the coffee shop for the first time since he’d arrived. She tried desperately not to think about what it meant he could capture her attention so fully.

“So, you’re a pathologist?” he asked.

“Yeah,” her attention snapped back. “Yeah. My parents still think my teenage rebellion was just delayed, but I got a great offer from the Bureau and it made sense.”

He smiled. “You always like science? You know, physics to medicine to pathology. Diverse interests.”

“Physics? Have you been stalking me, Mulder?” she said, catching his slip.

“I may have made a couple google searches. I loved your senior thesis.” He got an eye roll for that. He was growing to love those.

“I was twenty one when I wrote that. Take it with a grain of salt.”  
  
“You rewrote Einstein. Give yourself some credit.” Another eye roll.

“So, what else do you know about me? My first boyfriend? My sister’s name? My high school GPA?”  
  
“Let me guess. Mike. Melissa. Three point nine.”

“Wow, two out of three.”  
  
“Which did I get wrong?”  
  
“Marcus.”  
  
“I was close,” he defended.

“How’dja know the other two?”   
  
“You mentioned your sister when you paid with her stolen cash. And three point nine was a lucky guess. I think you got a four point oh for a long time, and senior year you got rebellious and you brought it down a notch. And it’s bugged you ever since.”

“Impressive. You wonder why they have your skills stuck in the basement.”

“My supervisor does too.”

She giggled, glancing away to break whatever spell or hold his gaze was having on her. _This was just a platonic coffee meeting. Nothing romantic._

She continued to chide herself for a moment, when she noticed a group of men in the corner, over Mulder’s shoulder.

They were dressed in trench coats, two facing away, but looking over their shoulder every so often. The one facing them was staring, jaw clenched. She quietly opened her purse and pulled out her glasses.

“You okay?” Mulder asked.

“Yeah, I was just… getting a headache,” she said, sliding them over her face. She took another glance at the group in the corner. All three had apparently noticed her staring back and had leaned towards each other, pretending to confer.

“Seriously, your face got all pale, are you sure?” She turned back to him, and her heart lurched. He looked so concerned.

“Nothing. There’s just… I dunno, a bunch of guys in the corner and they were looking at me weirdly.” She slightly jutted her chin at the group.

“What?” he glanced over, and his suddenly tense shoulders relaxed. “Oh my god.”

“What?”

He squeezed the bridge of his nose for a second. “Remember those friends I mentioned?”

“The paranoid ones? Yeah,” she relaxed as well when he jutted his chin in their direction. “Oh.”

“Just give me a second,” he said, standing and beginning to walk across the shop.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He strode over to the Gunmen sitting at the table, who quickly rearranged themselves to seem like they were just casually having coffee on the other side of town incognito.

“Hey, Mulder, what’s happenin'?” Langley asked, his voice a slightly higher pitch than normal.

“What the hell are you guys doing here?”

“What do you mean? We love this place!”

“It’s in Georgetown. None of you live in Georgetown.”

“Best coffee in the city, though.”

“Frohike, you don’t even drink coffee.”

“Tea?”

Mulder closed his eyes for a few beats and then opened them, as if he were convincing himself he were imagining things.

“Can you guys just leave?”  
  
“Mulder, I read up on the girl you got over there,” Frohike began.

“And?”   
  
“And, she has a meeting with your Chief Inspector Blevins scheduled tomorrow.”  
  
“Why?” he asked, mid-sigh.

“I don’t know, man. But didn’t you get a heads-up about a new partner?” Langely asked.

 _They weren't right. Blevins oversees a lot of people._  Mulder looked at the ceiling as he dug his hands as deep into his pockets as they could go. _The one time he actually meets a girl who doesn’t seem fazed by the ‘Spooky Mulder’ thing, and she’s about to be sent to spy on him._

He began to recite to them the desperate grasp for hope his rational mind had. “Listen. Blevins oversees a lot of people, the meeting's probably about something else. I know I haven't been around her that long, but she doesn't really seem like 'shadow-government-puppet' material. And I like her, I really like her, so until I know for sure that your paranoia is valid, I’m going to keep seeing her if she’s up for that too.”

All three squirmed in their seats, but didn’t say a word.

“Now, would you leave, so I can salvage this date? If she’s even still there when I turn around.”

He watched them slide out of their booth, and march towards the door, before he took a deep breath, and prayed she was still there.


	3. Chapter 3

“So, how was it?” Melissa called. “Really.”

Dana sighed into the mirror, and fidgeted with the bottom of her jacket. “I don’t know.”

She stepped out of the bathroom and into Melissa’s view. “What do you think?” 

Melissa’s eyebrows shot up, and she rolled onto her stomach on the bed to get a better look. “Wow.”

Dana turned, more confident. “Really?”  
  
“I mean, wow, where did you find that suit? An archeological dig?”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“It looks like something Mom wore to pick you up from kindergarten in 1993.”

Dana rolled her eyes. “It’s a little out of style, but it’s not bad.”

“Why can’t you just wear your normal pantsuits or a sweater?”

“Because most suits are at the dry cleaners until Tuesday, the rest don’t fit me, and I can’t wear a sweater to a Bureau meeting. This could be the thing that gets me back into the field.”

“You’re really done with teaching?”

Dana nodded.

“Let me see the back again. Maybe we can hem it and take out the shoulder pads so you don’t look like an NFL quarterback.”

“Funny,” Dana called, heading back into the bathroom to change. The floor was littered with discarded options, and she took one last glance at herself in the mirror, in contrast to the old dresses and tweed jackets her mom had sent over.

“Don’t even think that you’re getting out of telling me the details,” Melissa called through the door.

When Dana emerged from the bathroom, in sweats and a t-shirt, Melissa was crosslegged on her bed. “Sit.”

“Melissa, it was nothing. We got coffee. We had good moments, and weird moments, but I think I’m done with internet dating.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t a date.”

Dana huffed, putting her hands on her hips and giving her sister the same look she did an annoying student. “It wasn’t. It’s not going to be anyway.”

Melissa was unfazed, and patted the bed in front of her. “Sit, tell me what happened.”

She rolled her eyes, and relented, flopping down on the bed and getting a successful grin out of her sister. “It was great. Really great. I really liked him.”

“And?”

“And…” Dana threw her arm over her face, and sighed remembering the day before. “And those friends that made him think I was a bot-“ Melissa chuckled at the memory. “-they really are _that_  paranoid.”

“And?”

“And they showed up. Mulder went over, talked to them a second, told them to hit the road and then the rest of the date- meeting- was just… awkward.”

“Did he give you any explanation for what happened?”

She sighed. “I don’t know. They’re huge conspiracy theorists. They always think something bad is going to happen and they were just concerned. And that was it. Just a little small talk, and we both inhaled our coffee and left. It just felt like we were too incompatible. He was sweet, but where I have you, and Ellen, he has… Larry, Curly, and Moe.”

Melissa cracked a smile, like she was holding something back.

“What?” she asked, exasperated.

“Did you at least get to see his alien probe?”

Dana rolled off the bed, ignoring the blood rush to her head.

“Come on, Day. It was a joke.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Hey,” Melissa said, reaching out and squeezing her sister’s hand. “I’m sorry your date sucked.”

“It wasn’t a date. And thanks. At least I’ll never see him again.”

“You wanna hear about mine?” Melissa asked, excitedly, both knowing it wasn’t really a question.

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

 

Melissa had done her magic on that suit, and Dana confidently strode into the Bureau Monday morning, ready for her bump up the ladder. After quick, clarifying questions with Blevins about her history with the organization, she could tell it was about to happen.

“Have you heard of an agent by the name of Fox Mulder?” he asked.

“Yes,” she blurted out, her pulse quickening substantially.

“How?”

“By reputation.” _Great save, Day._ She could practically hear Melissa in her head. “He wrote the monograph on serial killers and the occult. It helped to catch Monty Props back in twenty eleven. Typically thought of as the best analyst in the Violent Crimes Section.” She was relieved she could blame her vast knowledge of his career on reputation. Not the extensive internet stalking she did the night before, after Melissa had left.

“Well, Mulder has taken an interest to an unassigned project. Outside the Bureau mainstream.” Blevins continued to prattle on, telling her about her new assignment. _This was great. Not only would she have to see Spooky Mulder again, but she’d have to see him every day._

“Oh, and please contact Agent Mulder as soon as you can. His office number is B-1107.”

“Great, thank you, sir,” Dana said with a forced smile as she extracted herself from the seat.

In the lobby, Dana found a seat to quickly take her phone out and call Melissa.

“Dana, I’m at work-“

And that was all Melissa could get out before she filled her in on the situation.

“Well?” Dana asked. “What do I do? Not only do I have to see him again, but he’s now my partner!”

“So, destination wedding? I’ll absolutely fly out to Roswell for you, but only if the bridesmaid dresses aren’t made of tin foil.”

“I have to go down there. I have to see him again. I have to ‘introduce’ myself.”

“Day, he probably knows you’re his partner by now. It’ll be weirder to not go. Just give it a few days. If you hate it, request a transfer.”

Dana sighed. “I don’t know…”

“Just go down there. Worst case scenario, you tell him you’re the guy who shot JFK and he’ll be on the next flight out.”

“Funny.”

“Just go. It’ll be harder the longer you wait.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“For the record, if your kid ends up half alien, I’m not going to say it’s cute. I don’t care if I’m the aunt.”

Dana sighed, and hung up without answering her sister.

 _Just go down. Just go. Just go down._ Her mind raced as she descended through the building down to the basement. She hesitantly walked down a long, dim hallway and paused in front of the door. _Just knock. Just go in._

She knocked, and for a moment didn’t hear anything. She was almost relieved she wouldn’t have to see him today when she heard his deep, gravely voice.

“Nobody down here but the FBI’s most unwanted.”

She smiled to herself, getting a brief snapshot of the sweet, but terrified man she met just a few days before. And then she remembered again why she wasn’t going to have a second date- meeting. And she took a deep breath, and eased the door open.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. sorry this took so long. i could have sworn i updated recently but no, august. damn. more to come in the relative future tho.

 

Mulder had been fidgeting all day. Half a bag of sunflower shells littered the floor around the trash can, and half a pack of pencils stuck in the ceiling. Every creak or groan from the building around him made him jump.It was like a second chance- her being assigned to him. Like Fate had sighed and said, “Fine. Just this once he can have a chance at someone tolerating him.”

 Initially, he’d felt like the luckiest sonofabitch in the world that his second chance had been _her_. That of all the people in all the Bureau, the person he’d been assigned was the gorgeous doctor that his stupid friends had scared away. But then he started to think. She hadn’t texted him back since the coffee shop. And even in the coffee shop, after the Gunmen left, she barely met his eyes when prior to their arrival it seemed like she and him were the only two people in the world.

 And so he’d spent all of this glorious Monday morning nauseous, throwing pencils at the ceiling, and sunflower shells at the garbage, trying to think of what to say to this woman, this self-proclaimed skeptic, that he wasn’t in fact as crazy as she thought. How could he win her back.

He was about to go on a lunch break, maybe go for a run and sprint the nerves out, when he heard the elevator ding softly down the hall and heels click purposefully on the floor. He spun around in his office chair, and flipped on the light board, heart thudding in his chest and willing her to have a look other than disgust on her face when he turned around.

“Nobody down here but the FBI’s most unwanted,” he called, hoping she’d be the first to actually laugh at that.

He heard the door open and took a breath before he turned to face her. 

“Mulder,” she greeted him. “Or should I say _Agent_ Mulder.”

He couldn’t help but smile at her, relieved that she seemed warm, but almost nervous, rather than disappointed about her luck.

“Agent Scully,” he replied, politely, reaching out to shake her hand. It could have been his mind playing tricks, but he swore he could feel sparks flying off their joined hands. He glanced at her face, and her cheeks were growing slightly pink. _She feels the same thing,_ he let himself think for a millisecond.

“So, I guess, um, I’m your new partner,” she said.

“What a coincidence.”

Her cheeks grew even redder and Mulder could tell she didn’t want to talk about their coffee date. “Sorry,” he blurted out.

“No, no,” she smiled. “It’s fine. I just…” her voice faded out.

“Yeah,” he said, not sure what it was he was agreeing with. 

“What are you working on?” she asked, changing the subject quickly.

“Oh, just looking at some pictures I got sent last week. Oregon female, age 22, died mysteriously in the woods near her home, and I- I guess ‘we’- got called to investigate.”

 “Is there anything particularly… unexplained, about this case?” Dana asked, pulling a chair over to sit dangerously close to him, clearly under the guise of looking at the file.

 “Sort of. Three of her graduating classmates died over the past couple years in much the same fashion. Only this time there were marks found on her lower back. “

 “So, what? You think they missed the same ones in the other autopsies?”

 His heart thudding audibly in his chest. “Yeah… uh, yeah I do. That was fast.”

 Her cheeks again. Light pink from his praise. “Thanks,” she said, softly.

 “This was the chemical make up of the marks found on the girl,” he said, shuffling through papers quickly. _Where was it? Why is the desk so messy?_ He found it after a moment. “Here you go.”

She squinted at the paper. “Well, it’s organic… so probably not a needle puncture or animal bite. That was my first thought.”

“Yeah, well those same marks were found on victims in about four other states. We’re flying out to Oregon tomorrow. I’ve arranged to exhume one of the other bodies and we’ll see if that substance is found anywhere on it.”

 He stood up quickly, rifling through papers for the travel information. “Here-“ he handed her the handout, half expecting his new partner to make some excuse about having to stay in Washington.

 “We leave for Oregon at 8am,” she clarified.

 “Yeah. That is, if you’re still willing to work with Spooky Mulder.” He joked, forcing himself to continue looking at her, to see her reaction. Instead of anything he was expecting, he got a smile.

 “See you tomorrow, bright and early, Agent Mulder.”

 The enigmatic Agent Scully then tucked the sheet into her briefcase, flashed him a small smile, and left him standing completely speechless in his office, wondering how lucky a guy like him could possibly get.

 

 

———

 

 

 

She shut the door slowly behind her, tension draining from her shoulders. She wanted to kick herself for the way she acted in there. Flirting right along with him, heat rushing to her face like she was a teenager again with an innocent crush on her lab partner.

 She wanted to be spooked by him. She wanted to feel inclined to march right up to Blevins’ office and tell him she’s not cut out for field work, that she wanted to get transferred back to teaching. But deep in the pit of her stomach, she felt butterflies, and excitement.

When Melissa called that night, asking for details about how it went, how awkward it was, if she had put in for a transfer already, Dana avoided every question, telling her the basics, that everything was civil and professional. She hung up quickly, explaining how early she had to be up. But what Dana wouldn’t tell her, what she’d never admit if questioned, was how late she would laid awake that night, sliding through his profile on that goddamn app over and over again, staring at those photos, and thinking of the very thing she’d been suppressing that morning. Not why there shouldn’t have been a second date, but why she wanted there to be. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did not edit this well, so I apologize for any typos- i'll come back and fix them later

Melissa’s face was flushed bright red when she answered the door. She had barely opened it, just enough to stick her head out into the hallway and see who was knocking. 

 

“Oh- Dana? What are you doing here?” 

 

Dana shrugged, gripping her duffel bag tight. “I don’t know, can we talk though?” 

 

Melissa hesitated. “Can this wait?” 

 

Dana shook her head, and paused, before saying: “I kissed Mulder.” 

 

Missy’s eyes widened. “Hold on, justa second.” 

 

She promptly shut the door right in Dana’s face, and she heard shuffling around inside the apartment. After a minute, Melissa opened the door, all the way, fidgeting with the buttons on her blouse. Dana stepped into her sister’s apartment to find that woman from the club seated on the couch, cheeks flushed to match Missy’s. 

 

“Dana,” Missy said, gesturing to the woman. “This is Monica.” 

 

Monica waved sheepishly, and grabbed her purse from the floor beside the couch. “I should probably get going-“ 

 

Dana groaned. “Missy, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize-“ 

 

“It’s fine, I can just go, and we can get together another night this week,” Monica said, awkwardly making her way out the door, not yet realizing that her shirt buttons were done incorrectly in all the haste. 

 

Once the door clicked shut, Dana sat down hard on the couch, and shoved her face in her hands. “Oh Missy, it was terrible.” 

 

“Really? I would have thought with a mouth like his-“ 

 

“No, no. _That_ was fine. It was just the worst thing I could have done. I kissed my partner. I kissed my professional, work partner.” 

 

“What happened?” Melissa sat down across from her.

 

“Uhhhh,” she sighed, and leaned back into the couch cushions, wrapping her arms over her face as if to smother herself. “It’s a long story. We were investigating this series of murders. These kids turned up with spots on their back and they were dead, and then I thought I had spots on my back, so I asked him to check them out-“

 

“No.”

 

“And I had run there from my shower-“

 

“No.”

 

“And I was in a bathrobe and my underwear- my red, silk bathrobe.” 

 

Melissa’s face had split into the widest smile Dana had ever seen, and she leaned forward, staring at her sister intently. 

 

“And I had him look at the marks. And they were nothing- bug bites- I should have known, I mean, I spent my teenage years romping through the woods with you looking for those mythical, secret, du-umbass parties.” 

 

“And then?”

 

“And then I hugged him. I was really freaked out, but I was fine, so I hugged him. And then sat down on the bed, just to cool off, and he lit a bunch of candles- the power was out and that’s all they had.”

 

“No phone flashlights?” 

 

Dana’s face got three shades redder and she threw her hands over her eyes again. “And then he told me his life story- more of it at least. Filled in a couple details from his childhood he didn’t mention on our date. And then he looked up at me- he was sitting on the floor- and he said a bunch of stuff about trust and stuff, and I don’t know what happened- we were making out, and he got up on the bed with me, and then the phone rang, and we had to go back to the case, and we didn’t talk about it again.” She reached over to her side, and pulled a pillow over her face, smothering herself. “I’m so stupid,” she said, muffled into the pillow.

 

Melissa fought her smile hard, having just heard the greatest story of all time, and simultaneously wishing that Monica had been there to hear it too. She couldn’t wait to call her once Dana left. She leaned forward and touched Dana’s knee to get her attention. “Dana? Day?” When she heard a groan, she continued. “Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.” 

 

The pillow was flung away. “Not such a bad thing? How is this ‘not such a bad thing?’” 

 

“Maybe it was your subconscious telling you something. Something about the way you really feel about Mulder.” 

 

Dana looked at her like she was crazy. “Missy, I don’t feel anything towards him. I don’t know what happened, but it was a mistake, and I don’t want him to get any ideas about what’s between us, and I definitely don’t want to make things weird, because saying my reason for transfer is that I made out with my partner that I went on a date with, isn’t going to do me well in my career.” 

 

“I thought you said it wasn’t a date-“ 

 

“It was a date. Maybe. He at least thinks that I think that now, so I’m screwed.” 

 

Melissa sighed. _She was hopeless._

 

“Missy, I can’t have feelings for him. He’s my partner. We work together, and it could be for a long time. Even if I felt… the way you think that I do… I can’t.” 

 

Her sister was still for a moment, trying to work out what she was saying before slowly nodding. 

 

“Okay, well, Dana, maybe you should talk to him. Be honest. If you need to keep things professional, then make that clear. Maybe don’t be blunt though. If there’s the possibility of… something… between you two.” 

 

Dana sat up straight. “Yeah.” She nodded, her eyes glazing over. 

 

“Dane-“

 

She stood up and grabbed her purse and duffel bag, making her way towards the door. 

 

“Dana- maybe not tonight-“ 

 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Missy, thanks for the help.” 

 

The door slammed shut behind her sister, and Melissa fell back against the chair and was still for a moment, then remembered Dana running into her partner’s room in her silky red bathrobe and giggled, reaching for the phone. She hoped Monica was still in the area. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

_**-Across town-** _

 

Mulder was pacing up and down his apartment, practically wearing holes into the floor with the friction of his feet. _What the hell was he thinking? She clearly wasn’t interested. She was clearly freaked out about the marks, and vulnerable, and he kissed her. Or he let her kiss him. Or something_. 

 

He groaned audibly, not sure what to do. When they were in the office a week ago, it had seemed like they agreed to forget that the date had never happened. If it even was a date. _He should talk to her. Tell her it was a mistake, so she doesn’t feel bad._

 

Or maybe she liked it. _Shut up._ He shoved the hope down, remembering the last thirty minutes of their awkward date, and how she never texted him again. No. She couldn’t have liked that he kissed her. Or she kissed him. To be honest, he couldn’t remember much of what happened, only that her lips felt incredible against his, and how his entire body felt warm and tingly when she pulled at his arm so he crawled up on the bed. 

 

_God he was hopeless._

 

He was telling himself it was nothing, just hormones or adrenaline or something, when a knock came to the door, and he jumped out of his socks. He nervously made his way to answer it, and found Scully standing in the hall, shifting from foot to foot. She was still dressed in the clothes she wore on the plane, and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

 

“Hey, Scully. What can I do for you?” 

 

“Uhhh… Can I come in?” She was gnawing on her lip nervously. 

 

“Yeah. Sure, come on in.” He stepped to the side, all of a sudden, realizing he was wearing nothing but his bright yellow pajama bottoms. _He looked like a fucking banana. What the hell was he thinking? When did he even buy these?_

 

He closed the door behind her, kicking himself for not throwing on a shirt and some normal-colored pants. “What can I do for you?” _Why does he keep saying that?_

 

“I just wanted to talk about… what happened the other night.” Her eyes were darting around the room, only briefly landing on him every few seconds. 

 

“It was a mistake-“ he blurted out, cursing himself for not getting a better read on the way she felt about it.

 

But her shoulders relaxed, and her eyes fell to his face. “Yeah. I agree. It was.” 

 

“Good.”

 

“Good.” 

 

They stood in awkward silence, both staring at his yellow pants. _His mother. Probably his mother. She got them for him, he deduced. She was never a good gift giver. Did Scully agree with him too quickly? Did he say it too fast? If it weren’t for the partnership, how would she have felt?_

 

“Good,” she finally said. “I mean, we’re partners after all.”

 

“Right.” 

 

“Nothing personal or anything.” 

 

“Right, keep up the professionalism.” 

 

“Right. Good.” 

 

He smiled at her, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She gave him a small smile, her cheeks reddening briefly. 

 

“I should probably go-“ she said. “But glad we cleared it up, and everything.” 

 

He nodded. “Well, I’ll see you at work on Monday.” 

 

“Right, yep.” She nodded, and gestured to the door. 

 

Once it clicked behind her, something clicked in the back of his mind. They had made a mistake. Not with the kiss, but with the response to it. 

 

_No. No. They’re partners. Maybe someday friends. But partners. That’s all that’s possible._

 

He sighed, and swallowed his feelings, making his way to the couch in the hopes that sleep would wash away these feelings. 

 

He was half asleep when his phone buzzed across the room- the unmistakable sound of that dating app. Curiously, he got up, and checked, guessing that it was just a new update or something, but finding himself completely wrong. 

 

Three little words made up the alert. 

 

_New match made!_

 

In that moment, he didn’t care, only wanting to think about Scully. But then his mind flashed to her words, to the door being shut completely, and he took a breath, before opening the app. 


End file.
